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for Emily — i miss you more than words (2007)

for Emily — i miss you more than words (2007)
Drug Abuse
emily

grandmother

grief

loss

heart

my grandmother starved to death after 17 days two christmases ago.

she had no water, no food, no drugs during that period.

she unconsciously fought off the doctors and the nurses.

my family was on a luxury cruise in the gulf of mexico.

i cried a lot because i couldn’t bear it.

no one else in my family seemed to care that she was alone and dying without loved ones near.

i spoke out against this and have been ostracized from my family for it.

i don’t care, i loved her more than they did.

she was my little bird and she told me things she was too afraid to tell others, things that were scary and sad and spoke for a whole generation of old and infirm and unhappy people.

she told me she would like to jump out the window and land on her head so that she wouldn’t have to be a problem for anyone anymore.

she lived 15 more years after that, and everytime i saw her, she would tell me to help her, to save her from her miserable life in convalescent homes.

i told my parents what she said, but they said i was lying and that she never said ANYTHING like that to them.

but she was afraid, she didn’t want to seem ungrateful for the care she was receiving.

i took care of her for five weeks one summer when my parents went to russia in 1991.

she was very ill at the time and i sat with her one night for four hours while her lungs filled with fluid because some IDIOT doctor had accidentally taken her off of her diaretic medication.

she knew at the time that she was only alive because of drugs and she hated it.

she wouldn’t let me take her to the emergency room because she was terrified that they would accidentally kill her.

we sat in the dark and i held her hand.

i didn’t know what to do because i didn’t believe in her quality of life. she was a prisoner in her own body and she was so tired of her own stories and her own memories.

but i wouldn’t decide for her.

i chose to sit with her as she was dying.

and it was beautiful and scary.

she never did make the decision that night so long ago.

she finally asked me to call my father because she knew i wouldn’t save her.

she knew that her LIFE was in her own hands, not mine.

i would only do as she requested.

looking back on it now, i wish she’d had more courage to know that her life was meaningless and meaning less and less as each day passed into nothingness.

i hope any and all of us have the courage to leave this life when it is over.[x]medication and drugs and addictions are not the answer for enlightened societies.

that is slavery masked as compassion.

emily, i miss you more than anybody.

you were so simple and small and beautiful.

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